Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock…
This has been my life for almost five years: running frantically in the general direction of baby with time, like a beast, snarling and nipping at my heels. CCRM cryopreserved the clock. Aha, take that, Time! (Cue powerful roundhouse kick to the face of said scary monster.) I have 3 confirmed chromosomally normal blastocysts in a freezer in suburban Colorado, suspended in time at age under-35.
And thank goodness because I am s o t i r e d. This whole process is an anxiety-ridden tornado of figures to be compared and analyzed–fertility calculus that hurts my brain. My AMH is .95 and then .44; my antral follicle count is 6 or 8 or 2 or 13; my FSH still holds normal, thankfully, under 10, but now my E2 is elevated, and what does that mean? Then another failed pregnancy comes my way–miscarriage #6. Is it in the one remaining tube? Did the beta drop? Is the beta at zero yet? How many weeks until I can cycle? That begins the counting of cycle days for the OPK so I can prime, and comparing dosages for stimulation protocols after consulting with three doctors. How much insurance coverage do we have left? How many cycles can we afford to bank? How much will it cost out-of-pocket? How many follicles are growing? How big are they measuring? How thick is my lining? Did my E2 double appropriately? If I multiply my growing follicle count by 200, is my E2 at least that high? How many eggs did they get? How many are mature? How many fertilized? How many cells do they have on day 3? What’s the percentage of fragmentation? How many developed into blastocysts? What stage? What were the grades? How many chromosomes do they have? How many embryos do we have available for transfer? How many should we transfer? What if I transfer one and I have to sustain another devastating failure? What if I transfer two and I lose twins because of a high-risk pregnancy I created? What is my chance of pregnancy in each scenario? What is the chance of twins? What are the odds of miscarriage? On and on and on until…..
SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just shut the fuck up for two goddamn minutes. Jesus.
Of course this is an argument I am having with myself, which speaks volumes about the impact of infertility and its subsequent treatment on my sanity. I have to consider that as I weigh the question on everyone’s lips (including mine) at this stage: when’s transfer? Gosh, I’m not sure I’m up for that just yet. I am threadbare and so conflicted about what this means and what to do going forward. If I made normal embryos, then can’t we assume I have in the past too? Why, then, am I not the mother of several children after 4 IVFs? No, I am happy and hopeful but also cautious because the reality is that CCS is no guarantee. I knew this going in, but I honestly didn’t think we’d have anything to transfer, just an explanation that would give me the green light for donor eggs. I need time, and right now I’m really relishing the fact that I have the liberty to take it without consequence. I also need to step out of this infertility world in which I have been so thoroughly immersed for years…to forget some of what I know, replenish, restore, rejuvenate, relax into the rhythm of a normal life that doesn’t revolve around analysis of my ovaries and the emotional repercussions of their under-achievement. So this is my sayonara (for now), my wave from the airport terminal as I go out on sabbatical: muah, muah, byeeeeeee, see you in the spring! I’m off on Operation Put-Myself-Back-Together-Again, which is part of the Enjoy-Life Initiative.