‘Fool Me Once’ Syndrome

Microblog_Mondays

The thing about the two-weeks wait that really drives me batty is the fact that we spend the entire second half of it speculating on an outcome that has already been definitively decided – to implant or not to implant. With exactly four consecutive fresh IVF failures under my belt, the sting of that phone call after having the audacity to hope again is almost embarrassing. “You fool!” the inner voice says. “You fell for it again.” She presses, “Stupid Pollyanna and your stupid empty uterus.” I woke up at 1:30 in the morning flooded with this monologue on loop, through my shower, the commute to work. I even Googled pregnancy symptoms at 4am like an idiot (and chances of success when feeling nada, zip, zero after an FET), like some newbie infertile who just had my first Clomid IUI.

Sick, right? I really need to work on that.

29 thoughts on “‘Fool Me Once’ Syndrome

  1. I know exactly you’re coming from! But girl, you got a break yourself out of that cycle. Of course, if you figure out how to do it you have to let me know how! Ha ha ha. I’m thinking of you and I have my fingers crossed for a positive outcome.

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  2. You do know that weird dreams are a huge sign of early pregnancy…mine were craaaazy…I asked and was told…oh good…that happens a lot…strange but true…good luck

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  3. Oh I would be too as you have all sorts of reasons to be hopeful. I have that kind of dialogue (monologue??) all the time, especially when it comes time for retrieval, fertilization report, and my one-and-only transfer. So often people get pregnant when they have zero early early symptom. I am so rooting for you!

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  4. No matter how much I think “this isn’t going to work” I still can’t stop myself from googling due dates based on my tentative FET date. Been bit in the ass with that one more than once with IUIs, a cancelled FET and then a delayed FET. I love your comment about being “like some newbie infertile who just had my first Clomid IUI”. That person in me is dead and gone, but some of her idiotic habits abound.

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  5. Oh A, you are no fool my friend and I am happy to see you hopeful like a rookie. I know the wait is full of angst and unease, which for most infertiles, extends well beyond the first two weeks… but it all starts here and I am hanging so very hard onto hope for you, with you!!

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  6. I just found you.. what an amazing writer you are. Entering my 4th ivf cycle and can empathize ..i too feel like a fool every month. Its pretty incredible that after everything we can still allow ourselves to believe this could be the one. Feels like a nasty trickster when its fails but i welcome those few days in the cycle when the possibility feels real, almost rest days from the mostly opposite fearful days. funny that we still google pregnancy symptoms and due date.. mighty gorgeous of us all.. foolish meh , maybe but i want to be in the gang of 4 am ers daring to hope again and again and again. wishing you all the luck in the world, and thank you for writing so beautifully.

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    • Thank you, I’m blushing from the flattery! It probably is best to be the ‘the 4am crew.’ For me it’s just this crazy tug-o-war between the cynic and the hopeful.

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