Conquering the White Window

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It was only after my most recent beta came back at 3152 that I had the courage to pee on a stick, at which point, many would comment, the double pink line was beside the point. To the critics, I say no. This stupid plastic stick has been my nemesis for five long years – announcing only failed cycles and doomed pregnancies when faint lines appeared a week too late, tied inextricably to so much trauma – so with the bravery supplied by some fresh bloodwork, I decided to re-frame the HPT. Merry Christmas, indeed!
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So now that we’ve conquered the white window, I’m working on the black one: the ultrasound screen. We drove to Jersey yesterday morning for monitoring, 5w2d, hoping to see a yolk sac. I’m not totally sure that happened. There was a grainy screen, a small gestational sac measuring 4.4mm, a doctor who appeared to be approximately 14 years old, and her claims that she saw the faint white ring that promises normal growth but couldn’t get a good picture to show us. Then there were statements that contributed to the mounting fear, like bringing me back “in a few days…to be sure.”

I want so badly to relax into this as a reality, but my guess is it’s going to be an uncomfortable kind of happy for quite awhile longer.

40 thoughts on “Conquering the White Window

  1. I feel for you in these anxious moments A… sincerely I do. However, I know you know that 5w2d is very, very early to obtain anything in the way of accurate images or measurements. At 6w exactly I found it was very difficult to make out the yolk sac. However, just two days later everything was much clearer. Stay confident ma chere!! I am deeply hopeful for you and beany baby. Let us know how the next u/s goes.

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    • They have me back in on Wednesday, so I hope it’s not more confused searching. The thing that really got me was when she said they “like the sac to be at least 4.5mm” which gave me that behind-schedule, scary, barely-scraping-by feeling.

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  2. “Uncomfortable kind of happy” amen. Better than trying to get comfy with the rest of the shit you have been thru 🙂 which is basically all we try to do when it goes tits up. So a fucking men. .those lines are big and bright and pink and that Beta number is strong! Happy Christmas indeed!
    (By the way , your blog entries were my welcome companions in the wee hours last night, I have just had my 3rd IVF transfer on sat and that siren bitch progesterone is kicking in ) your news from afar stranger is beyond beautiful .

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  3. Sounds just like my experience. They couldn’t get a good heartbeat because it was so early, and it was measuring behind, so I had to wait a week before I could get another ultrasound and felt better. Hang in there – before you know it you’ll be graduated to an OB and all the stress of early pregnancy will be a memory!

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    • Gosh, I started to extrapolate this to the heartbeat u/s, which is scheduled for 12/26, and wondered if I shouldn’t push it back to save myself more fretting. Thanks for sharing! The anecdotal stuff helps remind me that healthy pregnancies can progress different paces.

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  4. That is really early to see anything. I’d have to drag out the baby book to check, but I don’t think there was anything to see before 6 weeks. Maybe even later than that — almost to 7.

    I’m sending 3000 good thoughts.

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  5. Woohoo!! Congratulations!! Thinking wonderful sticky bean thoughts for you!

    My clinic wouldn’t even bring me in for a scan until I had reached 7 weeks. In fact I think I was closer to 8…

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  6. 5w2d is so very early! I think I had an ultrasound at 5w3d due to my history of ectopic, and you could barely see anything. It’s incredible how much things will change in the next 1.5-2 weeks. You go from barely seeing a gestational sac, to a blob with arm and leg buds with a beating heart 🙂

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  7. It’s truly horrible, this waiting. I don’t know when it gets better. But that’s a beautiful line. And 5w2d is so early. You’ll see that hb at your next ultrasound and it will be amazing.

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  8. My RE wouldn’t do a scan before 6w because he didn’t want to worry us! At the time I just wanted a scan but I’m sure he was used to people panicking. So glad you got to see the start of your little someone, though. Very promising.

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  9. Definitely, I echo the others in saying that 5w2d is very early. 6w or 7w is a much better time to get something concrete. Hang in there. So far, it’s all good. I know how stressful it can be (7+ years of IF here before we got our BFP and that oh-so-glorious pee stick!) but it’ll all be worth it. I love your photo above. You will cherish it always.

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  10. I remember conquering the white window. It was glorious. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It’s such a beautiful sight. With your beta, you may be able to see a heartbeat in “a few days”. 5w2d is very early to really see anything. Things happen really fast in the beginning so a few days can bring about a lot of growth. ((hugs))

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  11. These early days and weeks are fraught with so much uncertainty and unwillingness to believe that the fantasy will become reality.

    Even though you’ve had a scare, you’ve also seen the flicker of a heartbeat which is good and great news. Hoping things progress smoothly for you now.

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    • Thanks, with the HB I just keep trying to take solace in the fact that we know it’s genetically normal and the chance of loss after this point is slim. Still “fraught with uncertainty” but with some optimism to hang onto

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