Bright Spot

The first bright spot appeared in the bathroom on the toilet paper – bleeding, shit! Why? I’ve been spotting since Tuesday, and I really seemed to spin further down the rabbit hole each day I woke up to find the same brown discoloration. To further complicate things, I have been having a hell of a time finding local pregnancy monitoring here at home, and the last week before vacation is a rather inopportune time for taking a sick day to run off to New Jersey for an ultrasound since I was giving all sorts of tests and essays to close out units before break. After failing to get an appointment with an OB in any kind of hurry, my Wednesday sonogram turned into Friday morning monitoring at RMA, which gave me a few extra days of blood and paranoia to obsessively analyze my initial numbers and whip myself into a panic.

The second bright spot appeared on the ultrasound screen, a glimpse of the tiniest, still immeasurable sparkle of white light, a burgeoning life with a fluttering heart like the wings of a hummingbird. Maybe I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. Mesmerized by the reality of all this, I stared dumbly at this ultrasound photo as we wended our way through the conspicuous ugly of Staten Island and the Belt Parkway so I could return to work in my stupor of euphoria.6w0dThe third bright spot shines itself in blinding joy over this Christmas. For the last five years the holidays spelled suffering and little else, culminating last year, when we skipped town, skipped it all. This year I bathe in light, in promise and hope, in love and gratitude for the ambitious little bean at work inside me.

42 thoughts on “Bright Spot

  1. I’m sorry about the spotting. It’s so scary! Doesn’t matter psychologically if it’s just a little, or if it’s brown, or if there’s no cramping. Still damn scary, and I’m very glad you got in for an u/s and were able to see your little bean. What a wonderful early Christmas present!

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    • That’s true, about it not mattering. My brain kept going around in circles and ending up in this place where I was telling myself that, if I miscarried, it would be quiet like this because of the hormone supplementation. I needed the black and white proof that things were still intact. Phew!

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  2. Beautiful beautiful beautiful.. You deserve to bathe in the light of this. In all the magical feelings. I’m so so happy for you! Xxx

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  3. So I’m subscribed to you, which means I get an email of your posts. This morning I wake up and check the time on my phone, and my bleary eyes catch something about blood on the email snippet from your update and I sit right up in panic!! You are trouble, ma’am!! I’m so so happy you saw that beautiful beat. I hope there’s no more bleeding and plenty of comforting symptoms. When is your next scan?

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  4. OH friend. Sorry for the scary blood but you’ve got yourself a heartbeat!!! I am so so so stoked for you! Come on baby! Grow grow grow! I am so happy for you that this Christmas is a different kind of Christmas. πŸ™‚

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  5. I knew this one was destined for greatness! Grow and flourish little sprite. You know already you are so dearly loved and wanted.

    I am sorry for the spotting anxiety. Despite being ridiculously common in IVF/FET cycles, its evocation of unshakeable fear is inevitable. Keeping the stream of positives headed your way on full.

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  6. Such a beautiful, poignant post.

    I had bleeding during the first trimester of both of my successful pregnancies (bright red, clots, tissue, ohmygawdthereisnowayIcouldstillbepregnant kind of bleeding. It is scary and counter-intuitive for pregnancy, but SO glad to see things progressing just as they should be.

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    • I had a big, red, gushing bleed this morning – absolutely terrifying. I rushed to the OB white as a ghost, shaking, to see baby still intact. Wtf??? My nerves can’t handle this.

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  7. So scary but so pleased all is ok. I had bleeding for a week when I was 5 weeks but am lying in bed now feeling baby kick me at 22 weeks. Have a wonderful Christmas x

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  8. Keep the faith! Brown is a “good” color to spot as it’s old blood. Did they look for subchorionic hemorrhage during the sono? If so I’d take low dose aspirin if you’re not already. I bled heavily through two successful pregnancies, bled lightly through another two.

    Another thing to consider is having a hearty glass of wine if you have a bleeding episode as red wine is a muscle relaxant and an anticoagulant. That’s what the midwives told me anyway.

    Also avoid sex, even non-intercourse sex, anything that could irritate the uterus/ cervix.

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    • I was on baby aspirin and vitamin e, but I had a big, red bleed yesterday, so my nurse had me stop those things. Now I’m back to brown and hoping to stay that way, or (heaven forbid) STOP BLEEDING :/

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