The first bright spot appeared in the bathroom on the toilet paper – bleeding, shit! Why? I’ve been spotting since Tuesday, and I really seemed to spin further down the rabbit hole each day I woke up to find the same brown discoloration. To further complicate things, I have been having a hell of a time finding local pregnancy monitoring here at home, and the last week before vacation is a rather inopportune time for taking a sick day to run off to New Jersey for an ultrasound since I was giving all sorts of tests and essays to close out units before break. After failing to get an appointment with an OB in any kind of hurry, my Wednesday sonogram turned into Friday morning monitoring at RMA, which gave me a few extra days of blood and paranoia to obsessively analyze my initial numbers and whip myself into a panic.
The second bright spot appeared on the ultrasound screen, a glimpse of the tiniest, still immeasurable sparkle of white light, a burgeoning life with a fluttering heart like the wings of a hummingbird. Maybe I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. Mesmerized by the reality of all this, I stared dumbly at this ultrasound photo as we wended our way through the conspicuous ugly of Staten Island and the Belt Parkway so I could return to work in my stupor of euphoria.The third bright spot shines itself in blinding joy over this Christmas. For the last five years the holidays spelled suffering and little else, culminating last year, when we skipped town, skipped it all. This year I bathe in light, in promise and hope, in love and gratitude for the ambitious little bean at work inside me.