Anthem

The Common Ostrich shared a post a couple of months ago that reminded me how much the song Blackbird meant to me at one point, how it gave voice to all I was feeling in a few simple words and chords, how songs are wonderful that way – to lean into the melody and feel understood, in good company. When I was alone out in Colorado making the embryo that became my lost boy, the weather was wet and gloomy, and I ended up killing a lot of that oppressive solitude by going to matinees. That’s when I saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty for the first time and fell in love with the soundtrack. Whenever this track pops up in my iTunes shuffle, I am guaranteed to cry at least a little. It’s that punch in the gut for me, the kind that happens when a song opens up some feelings you were keeping neatly stored in a little box, where they’re manageable.

Here are the lyrics. I don’t want to murder the poetry of it by cataloging all the reasons why. If you’re in this like I’m in this, I think you’ll find some echoes of yourself.

There’s a rhythm in rush these days
Where the lights don’t move and the colors don’t fade
Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams

Sometimes there’s things a man cannot know
Gears won’t turn and the leaves won’t grow
There’s no place to run and no gasoline
Engine won’t turn
And the train won’t leave

I will stay with you tonight
Hold you close ‘til the morning light
In the morning watch a new day rise
We’ll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write

And I will wait for you tonight
You’re here forever and you’re by my side
I’ve been waiting all my life
To feel your heart as it’s keeping time
We’ll do whatever just to stay alive
Dawn is coming
Open your eyes

Look into the sun as the new days rise

That last part about the dawn coming – I really need to believe that right now.

21 thoughts on “Anthem

    • It’s the only incentive to keep going – the knowledge that you’ll eventually get somewhere! (Let’s hope for a happy place.)

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  1. This is a lovely song, and a lovely sentiment. It is so important to honor the sadness we feel and remind ourselves that no hardship lasts forever.

    Take all the time you need. Dawn comes when you’re ready.

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    • All you say is true, but the situation actually becomes more complicated each time some medical report comes back to us, even after the loss of him. I’m just trying to hang on and ride this thing out, which forces me to table the grief for a bit so I can navigate and make decisions.

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      • Completely true. That’s sort of what I mean by “Dawn comes when you’re ready.” It doesn’t just happen because we want it to happen, but when we’re ready to handle and process our loss. Though not the same as yours, I’ve had to confront grief during my pregnancy, and I’ll be honest– I have not dealt with some of it because I can’t right now.

        There is no timeline for this. There is no rule book for this. However, I do believe as long as we are kind to ourselves and search for peace, every person gets there in their own time. It sounds like cold comfort, but it’s what keeps me breathing sometimes.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this. It will be on repeat on my playlist. I could really use a spoonful of dawn right about now! I love blackbird too. My husband plays that on his guitar as one of our favorite songs and boy am I clinging to him and our love right now. I hope you are doing the same.
    I think I’ll go watch Walter Mitty today for a good inspirational cry. Just love that movie.
    You continue to inspire me to keep climbing despite my recent negative (and the so so many before this one). Hugs to you friend.

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  3. You’re in my thoughts, I am so sorry for your loss. Life can be so very cruel. The dawn will come though, in some form or another. I am sure.

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    • Thanks, but there’s definitely only one form of dawn for me, especially now. Every other (compromised) outcome is like choosing to spend the rest of my life walking around with a rock in my shoe. And recent (not yet disclosed on the blog) developments in our situation have rendered even the “alternatives” more complicated and remote.

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