Fail

No HCG in my blood after transferring two genetically normal, nicely developing embryos into a normal uterus with a 10mm lining and good hormone levels

No reason to believe the last two will be spared by my Uterus of Doom after 5 unexplained failures

No more stamina to subject myself to more fresh IVF cycles

No access to a known surrogate or the funds to pay the astronomical price tag for an agency gestational carrier

No reason, after the CCS victory and FET failure, to believe that an egg donor will get me a baby

No threshold for capitulating to birth mothers and wooing them with a glossy profile or withstanding the thousand knives of life-long visits in which my child kisses and hugs his other mom

No substantial, fulfilling bonds with family, despite my best efforts with narcissistic siblings and disinterested cousins, to sustain me through a childless life

No hope

No answers

No way out

I am seriously considering shutting down this blog altogether.

In my real life, when I am not getting relentlessly shafted by my body and my shit luck, I am a strong and vivacious person. It’s humiliating and exhausting to be this public Eeyore.

52 thoughts on “Fail

  1. I’m sorry 😦

    Take a break if you need to, but don’t shut down until you’ve given it some time. It’s not a bad thing to have an outlet for your Eeyore moments where people aren’t going to judge you for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel everything from this post. Your writing is so real and so raw…I appreciate it beyond explanation. I am there with you. Though you have been through so much more…I am still childless and my uterus is doomed beyond belief or understanding as well. And what a helpless feeling that is. I can relate so much to what you wrote…I know one thing, you are helping so many with this blog. I would be disappointed if you stopped writing. But do what is best for you. I know there will be some happiness for you soon…I am putting it out there…you WILL have happiness. If you ever need someone to commiserate with…I’m here…xo

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am so sorry. That doesn’t come close to the words your news deserves. Thinking of you and if/when you are ready, I did gestational surrogacy independently w/ someone I met online and would be happy to discuss it with you. Again, if/when you are ready. Sending big hugs and shaking my fist at the universe.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I will really really miss you if you shut this blog down but I understand the need to walk away from things that should be therapeutic, or that once were therapeutic. Sometimes those things just become sources of anxiety.
    I’m sorry you feel like eeyore. I appreciate you for sharing so many hardships. You have such a gift for writing.
    I wish there was a way to be friends with you in real life.

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    • Thank you, it’s always nice to have people say nice things when your heart is broken. I actually met a blogger face-to-face this summer, so you never know! Xo

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  5. I’m sick to hear this cruel news, and I wish you peace. It is beyond unfair and angering and so sad, and all I can say is I hold you in my heart. It sounds like you are helping so many others, but of course deciding what to do with a blog is so personal. Love, love, and more love.

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  6. I am devastated for you right now. I wish I could wrap you up in a giant hug and impart some words of wisdom, but the reality is there are no words.
    Also, I understand if you shut down your blog and encourage you to do whatever is best for you. But, I personally hope you continue to write.
    Sending you lots of love.

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  7. I’m so sad reading this post! Please know that my thoughts are with you! If you want to talk adoption, let me know! There are lots of roads still open to you out there!

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      • Most foreign adoptions aren’t open and don’t require profiles. Foster care is another avenue. There are also lots of grants out there for family-building like gestational carriers. But, I didn’t mean to lessen your grief/anger over this latest loss! I’m sorry if it came off like that.

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        • I didn’t take it that way. I am literally asking. Adoption has changed so much in the last 10 years and it feels now like it’s become abusive to the adoptive family.

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  8. I have no good or useful words. All the same, I’m so very sorry. I hope you keep the blog, and that you find a way to transfer your last 2 embryos.

    I came across your blog by chance–one of your comments on another blog drew my attention–and I’ve found you to be a brilliant writer. I’ve also frequently thought that you and your husband would be ideal parents: your rational thinking, creative inventiveness, sheer dogged persistence, and the care with which you worked through the implications of Dakota’s diagnosis, form a constellation of traits that I rarely see. I write this not to twist the dagger in even deeper, but to (partly) explain why I’m asking the following: would you consider transferring donor *embryos*? I thought of this initially as a way for you to test out your uterus/immune/endocrine system, prior to the possible transfer of your last two embryos–if enough donor embryos don’t stick, then you really, truly, know that you have to hope for a known surrogate to appear–but there is the fact that if a donor embryo stuck, well, it’s at least somewhat like adoption, even when you’re the birth mother, and I don’t know whether you can or want to come to terms with that. But if you could, and a donor embryo stuck, then perhaps you’d feel more comfortable transferring your last 2 embryos into your uterus.

    I also realize that the process of finding the right donor embryos isn’t easy, especially when your uterus, etc. are suspect. But if you want to consider this route (and this is where things get really weird): I have a large number of high-quality blasts (my Cornell RE estimates that 40% of them would lead to a live birth if not transferred into my wonky system), and am highly unlikely to ever need or want to use them all. On the one hand, my husband and I are severely twitchy about donating them to an embryo bank (as the children of narcissistic and dysfunctional parents, we understand how damaging bad parenting can be, and we are under no illusions that the average infertile is *that* much better); on the other hand, donating them to research (which would realistically be low-impact culture media studies) seems like a tremendous waste, too. So someone like you would be (for lack of a better descriptor) an interesting proposition: if the donated embryos didn’t stick, they would nonetheless go towards a *useful* experiment; if they did stick, then at the very least we wouldn’t have to fret about their parenting. Even if you found the idea of parenting a child w/our particular set of genetics unappealing, I can’t help but think that there must be other people in our situation out there–perhaps you could find someone who would be a good fit?

    I imagine that the timing of this comment is incredibly poor (the last thing I wanted to think about post failed cycle was donor options, much less long-shot ones), but I’m afraid that you’ll disappear into the ether, and I wanted to bring up this (granted bizarre) possibility.

    It may seem odd, coming from a complete stranger, but after reading so much of your blog, I want you to have children, to have family, to care for and raise a small creature with the intensity and thought that you have already put into the IVF process. And I feel the world will be less bright if you don’t.

    I hope so much that you find a way out of this darkness.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so sorry. It is all so terribly unfair and cruel.

    As for your blog, absolutely follow your heart, but I wanted to tell you that I drop whatever I’m doing to read it every time you post. You capture in words the raw emotion of infertility and the shitty shit that comes with it so much better than anything else out there. No matter what you decide, my journey has been different and improved because of your courage to write about yours, so thank you.

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  10. I am so, so sorry. There are just no words that don’t sound ridiculously small and trite to express how unfair and cruel this loss is and how devastated I am for you. Holding you in my heart and thoughts.

    And…just for the record, because this is wholly secondary, but with this blog you have put something into the world that is quite extraordinary. I don’t want to pressure you to continue writing – no one is entitled to your story – simply say that your posts have often touched my life and heart.

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  11. I wish to add my voice to the chorus who has expressed our sadness for you, our well wishes for you, and how helpless we feel to make things right. And I really must to thank you for your blog; from the very bottom of my heart, I thank you. The honesty, sophistication and verve of your blog has touched my heart forever. Whatever you choose to do with your blog, and for whatever reasons, I am so grateful that you have shared your experiences, and your reflections on those experiences.

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  12. I’m so deeply sorry…
    Another heart break after all you have been through.. I can’t believe it. Words are so inadequate . Love to you , just so much love..
    Please don’t stop writing ..

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  13. I am crying for your broken heart. And raging. Whatever you decide, know that your words are extraordinary, profound and touch us to the core. May your soul survive these dark and unbearable days – damaged but alive. Holding you in my thoughts – although words must bring little comfort to you now. Xxx

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  14. Ohhhh A – Shiiiiiiit!!!! I’m terribly sorry. Wish I could make this day right for you, for all of us. Eeyore tonight, Tigger next week? I concur there are other options to consider (albeit undesirable from today’s view). Since you’re one of the most resourceful gals I know, you will find them or they will find you. All I can ask is hang in there with us….don’t slip too far away. We love you in a way only stranger, infertiles can love. I hope you can feel that powerful embrace tonight. Warm hugs my friend.

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  15. I have been reading your blog for quite awhile as we have unfortunately walked very similar paths. My brief history includes: repeat IVFs for MFI the result of five transfers is as follows: 1st transfer – get pregnant and have a late 2nd trimester termination for a condition not compatible with life; natural pregnancy and miscarriage; IVF with PGS, 2nd transfer one noral blast – get pregnant it’s ectopic emergency surgery lose tube; 3rd transfer one normal blast – get pregnant all going well heart stops beating around 9 weeks results of DNC show normal fetus; 4th transfer one normal blast – get pregnant results in blighted ovum; 5th transfer with donor eggs has resulted in current pregnancy going well so far.

    Like you I have no answers, but I do know how you feel. Please let me know if you want to chat i am happy to share all the information I have with you. Please know you are not alone and while our numbers may be few there are others out there who understand what you are going through.

    Jennea

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  16. I’m so sorry. Of course everyone wants you to have success, but for YOU! Please feel free to tell the honest truth here on this blog without worry that you are disappointing us. We are here because we want to support you.

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  17. I wanted to smash my phone when I read this update. While I hope you dont close down your blog I understand if you do. My last fertility event had me thinking along the same lines. Hopefully today is bringing a little more light.

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  18. Oh no, no, no, no. How much heartbreak can the universe dole out to one person? Apparently a lot. Too much. I wanted this so much for you. You have touched so many people, me included. Holding you in my heart.

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  19. You have been strong and resilient and beautiful even in your darkest moments here, and I don’t want to presume, but I think writing helps. I hope that, whatever your next step in life, you’ll keep writing. I like you as a person, not just as an infertile woman trying to conceive, and if that journey has ended, I would be honored to look forward to the next one with you.

    If you do find you’re mentally/financially/etc. able to try again for children in any way, I’m here for that, too. I don’t have advice, but I am sending hope to you. Open-ended hope, for whatever is next. I’m here if you’ll let me be.

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  20. I am so very sorry and heartbroken for you. I know the pain.. 5 failed procedures and 2 miscarriages.
    Did you consider embryo donation?
    It is cost effective and kind choice.

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  21. I’m so sorry. I’d offer to help you out myself but I’m older than you, with too many miscarriages to count, if you include the chemicals. I’m so heartbroken for you. And not to add to the list of “have you considered….” but have you considered surrogacy in India? It’s far more affordable than in the US.

    Like

  22. Pingback: The Land of the Lotus-Eaters | The Empress and the Fool

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