The pink and blue ribbon for Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day is peppered across my social networks today. I’m actually surprised I haven’t seen it in my reader here at all. In an unrelated coincidence, I was reading Mel’s (non-sad) post this morning, in which she posted a link to the song “Say Something.”
And I clicked it because I’ll always follow the scent of that song whenever it wafts into consciousness. When I was inside the MRI machine at CHOP, they gave me headphones to drown out the noise, and that song came on whatever runny-mascara, heartbreak satellite radio station they were tuned to. (Strange choice, honestly) Then I had a little panic attack inside the machine, and we had to stop the test until I calmed down because my reaction was making the baby flip all over the place, so it was impossible for them to take clear pictures of exactly how screwy his organs were. I don’t know what to label it now, six months later: ongoing catharsis or stubborn gluttony (for punishment)? Multiple traumas rolled into a long-term emotional concussion, like those football players who get tackled so many times they go crazy?
Anyhow, I felt compelled (briefly) to add my own Facebook post, which lasted about 93 seconds before I deleted it. All the emotions came tumbling, and I started thinking of people in my husband’s family who never even acknowledged that it happened seeing this post and ignoring it again. Nope. I do this a lot, apparently – post impulsively and delete.
Anyhow, here, in my anonymity, I have the courage to spread awareness to my very targeted audience of people who probably already know. Love to all my girls and the babies who live on in memory.
i carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)