Happiness is…

Napping in a warm patch of afternoon sunlight:

A Valentine’s Day dinner ‘in’: pretentiously fancy 4-course surf and turf.

Orange-cardamom olive oil cake with candied kumquats and a dark chocolate heart

Brainstorming building the new deck for the yard this spring:


The irony, rich and hilarious, that arrived this afternoon via dueling PGS reports:

That was the second of the two reports. As per my earlier post about feeling pulled innumerable directions to bring this epic to a close, I actually pursued a few of those “seductive avenues” at once. Namely, in the midst of all the waylaid time of waiting on biopsy results, I cycled myself and a Czech donor simultaneously, almost; my retrieval was a week and a day after hers.  That probably sounds crazy, but there was a method to my madness: a desperate desire to make embryos without delay in order to move on as quickly as possible. You know: I just need this to be over. I got both PGS reports this afternoon, maybe two hours apart, me vs. her (a theme that has been performing all sorts of contortionist tricks in my psyche over recent weeks).

Screen Shot 2016-02-18 at 4.46.58 PM

I know you will say that the donor’s retrieval numbers are low, but Czech doctors do a ‘soft stim’ because it is safer for the girls, and they believe it improves egg quality, “believe” being the operative word in this case. It’s sort of delicious and validating and silly after several weeks of tormenting myself with admonishments about giving up on my embryos to spare my poor tattered nerves and just ripping the band-aid off the egg donor question. Hmmph, lo and behold, my “proven” donor is less fertile than me. This also blends seamlessly into the rich tapestry of oddball, statistically absurd, darkly comic happenings of my life with my husband. Could you imagine if I had taken the doctors at their word and decided to forego genetic testing? If I had just subjected myself to failed transfer after failed transfer, demolishing the last shreds of faith in my body. Just thinking of that makes me shudder. So lastly, this is a PSA: even good donors have bad days, and maybe it’s not always your fault.

15 thoughts on “Happiness is…

    • “Interesting” is a good word. My husband got stuck in London because of the east coast blizzard in January to pull off this donor cycle. It cost us an extra $1000 to get him home. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.


  1. Wow, wow, wow. Lots of info. I always take matters into my own hands. Just ask my RE, after 4 years, I’ve convinced him to do many things he’s reluctantly agreed to do. But that donor egg cycle….wow. And yes, if you would have just one-by-one transferred those blasts…yes, demolishing any faith is right. I am glad you are pro-active and I am more thrilled that you have at least one euploid blast(and your own at that!). Here’s to us both bringing home babies in the near future. xoxo


    • “Wow” is right. I actually have 3 of my own tested blasts, 2 still frozen and this new addition. I considered doing DE straight away because I didn’t know if I could face more failure and it seemed like the best odds. Lol, but here we are.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. I am tempted to go straight for the silver lining and point out that you do have a normal blast. Which is a wonderful beacon of hope. But it’s also strange and surprising and just plain weird that all 3 donor blasts have issues, different issues. I’m not a geneticist but that seems extremely surprising. I am so glad you found out now, and not after D-and-somethings.


    • Oh, yeah, totally relieved to know before transfer than to suffer through failures and losses, which are great for wasting more time when we cycled a donor to bring this to a quicker finish. I have a total of 3 of my own tested blasts, so the universe seems to be pushing me to see those through, maybe, if one believes in that sort of thing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my, 3!! How amazing
    The twists and turns of your story .. My gosh.. I can’t believe the donor cycle!!! Thank god you cycled yourself at the same time.. And yes .. Putting them back without testing and going through another unsuccessful transfer.. That would have been more unnecessary pain.
    I had to fight to get my last few tested after putting 7 back over 4 cycles being advised not to test.. But if I could go back knowing what i know now I would have tested everyone of those suckers . What I was left with was such a depleting sense of failiure. Good for you.. It must feel good to know you made a right decision in this shit show of dice throwing.
    I sadly do not respond well to the drugs and only get 3 or 4 eggs an Ivf cycle. We have done 6 cycles and we are now bowing out of any more treatment. I am cheering you on mightily sister!!
    Apart from the obvious.. I would like to ask you about the donor clinic you used in CZ? Some bizarre twist of fate means I will be working in Prauge this year and I have been looking into clinics there. We are still being pushed and pulled between to donor egg or not. If I think how many sleepless nights I have had over this.. You are one brave and inspiring women x


  4. Wow, you amaze me with your organization and resourcefulness in pursuing several avenues at once! The donor egg cycle…how unexpected. Glad you were able to find out before doing transfers. Wishing you the best of luck with the next steps.

    Also, that dessert looks amazing!


    • Gosh, it’s a gumption fueled by a voracious need for this to finally fucking end SOMEHOW, like, as soon as possible. I need out so bad. I can only laugh at the counterintuitive result. So…OE-FET it is then.


    • At times it seems too ridiculous to be random. It’s less upsetting than if it had been the other way around (obvi that’s what I was expecting) but, just wow.


  5. Well this is quite a turn of events!!! Wow – just goes to show that there is NO certainty in this tricky reproductive business. If there was ever a time to read the signs….keep pressing onwards A. The odds are turning.


  6. Pingback: Quandary of the Magnolia Tree | The Empress and the Fool

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