Let the games begin, again…

IMG_3775

May I present my unhatched chicken(s), which I have been careful not to “count,” as they say, in those moments fraught with the anxiety of post-traumatic stress following late loss; though, admittedly, in other moments I am drafting lists of baby names, researching cloth diapers, and planning my curriculum for the upcoming year around an April maternity leave. The official time stamp is 5w4d, a windfall of hope, a seed (or two) of wondrous possibility taken root from a DET of CCS-screened blastocysts in July, a covert op I mostly withheld from the blog and virtually everyone “in real life” as well. We were able to see the yolk sac today (read: signs of life) plus a much smaller second gestational sac that may or may not become a person. Of course there are many growth markers and milestones and high-stakes checkpoints still ahead – no one knows that better than me – but for now I am filled with gratitude for each incremental victory.

And miles to go before I sleep.

Ironic, since if all goes well, sleeping is the last thing I’ll be doing.

36 thoughts on “Let the games begin, again…

  1. I understand the anxiety–believe me, I understand it, and that it may not leave even after you hold the child you so intensely desire in your arms–but right now this picture has brought me nearly to tears. Holding on to *so much* hope for you.

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  2. I’m so very hopeful for your “unhatched”. Overjoyed!!! Your diligence on this journey has amazed us all. Cheering so loudly for you and anxiously waiting with you for more good news…

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  3. Simply marvellous. Have been hoping for you. Grow well little embryos!!! With that fighting spirit and determination of your mother.

    (P.S. Our miracle is 25 weeks along – gratitude every day).

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  4. That’s really lovely news.Taking each day, each hour, at at time is all you can do now. So I’m glad you’re feeling gratitude. It’s important to feel that pleasure, whenever you can. Embrace it!

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  5. I’ve been quiet for the past many months, but I think of you often. It feels like a cop out to say that I too often felt like a painful reminder of your loss so I stayed quiet, but there it is. I will pop out of hiding to say that I’m happy and hopeful for you; may the next few weeks be full of peace and good news. May the next 35 weeks be uneventful.

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  6. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts. I grew up in a suburb of NYC. (Rockland County.) I had to laugh at the planning to leave school… My poor daughter. She’s in 5th grade and she’s already had several teachers exit mid-year for maternity leave.

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  7. I have a similarly complicated and devastating reproductive history that spans many years. I started reading your blog a couple of years ago, and have been so moved by your writing. Your courage and determination helped me to keep going. I now have a healthy and beautiful six month old baby boy, who was conceived when I had just about given up hope. My pregnancy was anxiety ridden, but amazingly uneventful. I have great hope for you! It takes putting one foot in front of the other, and crossing off a day at time on the calendar. It helped me to be somewhat selfish and take very good care of myself, and also to keep very busy (as I am sure you must be as a teacher!). I know this can happen for you. I will be watching and cheering for you all the way.

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  8. This news is lovely to read after so many months away from reading blogs. I know, from catching up, that you are well into your 3rd trimester now, with twins, and I am sitting here in awe for the not knowing until now.
    CONGRATULATIONS!

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