It happened to me: the pregnancy news from someone in my life in this new phase, where the sting has been blunted by a room full of nursery furniture and an imminent birth. My best friend missed her period and peed on a stick two days ago. She and her boyfriend of six months are expecting, and she called me to wade through the choice between abortion and motherhood at 37 with two girls in high school. She wanted to know if I think it’s “meant to be.”

Oh boy.

I told her that I don’t believe in hoodoo: that she’s pregnant because she played loose and fast with birth control and this is a grown-up decision that needs to be reasoned along the lines of fact and personal ethics; that from the the argument she was making, I did not foresee an abortion in her future; that the circumstances of the present situation don’t at all resemble the dead-beat-dad tumult through which she raised her first two children, and it’s okay to keep the baby.

On the inside, my own emotions were astir, a brief scuffle between the joy and sparkling astonishment that my best friend and I may have babies close in age and a darker, more selfish voice that seemed to cry out, “No, this is MY time!”

After sleeping on it, I find myself holding that the latter reflex up to the light in bemused interest, though who knows how much good all that plumbing and introspection really does a person. I had always heard from my ‘parenting-after’ sisters that you never really receive pregnancy news with the simple glee of normalcy; that is something stolen by the infertility drag. Here I am inside the experience, and it is surprisingly muddled, but other people’s babies come when they come, regardless of how we feel about it. If infertility has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that. Only, sidled next to this territorial little tantrum exists an enormous gratitude and relief to be able to experience this with something mixed and murky versus the bright, hot grief to which I grew accustomed. My girls are growing stronger, and the sensation of them prodding my insides with knees and elbows gives me the strength to navigate these thorny issues with grace. For that, I am blessed.


8 thoughts on “Oops-Pregnant

  1. “gratitude and relief to be able to experience this with something mixed and murky versus the bright, hot grief to which I grew accustomed.” Yes. Glad to hear the girls are doing well.


  2. Oh my gosh…so happy for you…I understand your mixed feelings now, don’t get me wrong, not invalidating. Just happy for you that someone so close to you will be going through this alongside you! I hope that works out to be increased closeness, comradery, and practical-tips support. Can’t believe theyre kicking away in there. Xoxo


  3. I am so glad to hear that you and your girls are well, and that they are still safely ensconced in utero, at what I think must be ~29 weeks? (My u/s guy told me when I hit 29w that we were leaving the “deep sea” portion of pregnancy (i.e., the portion of the flight where there’s no good place to land). As my twins were nearly born at 25.5w, I always feel such a rush of gratitude when a multiples mother makes it to 29.) Hoping for a happy and peaceful 5-10 more weeks of pregnancy for all of you!


  4. I think fate has taken a hand with this one.

    I remember saying before that a good friend with children would be the most valuable to you, and you mentioned that they’re all past the early stage….

    You won’t give a damn about any of the ‘it’s my time’ stuff when you have two small children. You’ll just be sooooo happy and grateful to have the company of someone who you like, who’s going through the same thing and is happy to talk about it. This is great news. 🙂


  5. I can relate to the “No, this is my time!” reaction. I’ve had it (when I just started trying to conceive) and actually delayed trying as a result. Which probably wasn’t a great reaction given my outcome. lol It’s a natural one though.

    I think too that you’re very lucky to be (potentially) sharing this with your best friend, and her pregnancy and child won’t take anything away from yours, but will rather add to it.

    And I can’t believe how fast time is moving, and that you’re so close now. Hoping that all the sickness has ended.


  6. I have cried every single time a friend has told me they were pregnant. Every time. Pregnancy and birth are complicated and the best of times and we have layers upon layers of grief and fear and envy to contend with. That said, I’m so excited to read all of your updates and I’m praying heathen prayers for your upcoming delivery. All the best to you mama.


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